Ch. 3: The Fall

It all starts with a serpent. I am going to say serpent too, because as a general rule, I am pro snake. Snakes eat rats, mice, and all the pestilent vermin. They are just doing their job. I know snake and serpent are synonymous, but I am making a distinction. Serpents are the bad kinds of snakes, like basalisks. God’s mistake was to make this serpent a little more crafty than the other animals. I don’t know why he did that. Could it have been a little lapse in jusdgement? A miscalculation when measuring sneakiness? Oh, who hasn’t mistaken tsp for tbsp? But anyway, this particular asp was crafty.
Oh, and apparently, it could talk because it asked the woman, who is currently nameless, if God had actually forbidden her to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. The woman answered it, “yup, God said we would die.”
Like the slithering serpent it was, the nasty viper tells the woman the truth, sort of. Like every lie, it twisted the truth to a much more appealing alternative. It explained to the woman that her eyes would be opened like God’s are. It also compared her to God saying she will be like him, and know good from evil. So, all the knowledge of the universe, the fruit looked appetizing, and there was a lot of it, so no one would ever know something was missing. she took it and ate it.
So, right here, I want to get something straight. I have to admit, that something so tempting would have worked on me as well. I would want to know what it did. I totally understand why that woman grabbed herself a piece of fruit. All the knowledge of the universe? Tempting juicy fruit? Piss off guy by not doing what I’m told? Darn skippy I would have taken a bite.
The fruit either must have been either really good or really bad because she took it to her husband and told him to eat it too. Have you ever smelled or tasted something really bad then said ugh! that was gross, here you try? Well, thats why it could have been either good or bad. Anyway, man was right there, and she handed him a piece of the fruit and he ate it too.
Here’s another thing. Everything that I have ever heard, every justification for women being subserviant, and obeying her husband, every reference to this story tells how the woman needs to be punished because she gave him the fruit. I have always heard that she brings him back the fruit, as in she was in the woods alone, happened across the serpent, and decided on her own to eat the fruit, which is why women are bad. But dude was right there with her! He didn’t stop her. He didn’t remind her it was naughty. He knew what that fruit was. Yet, woman kind have been handed this sucky role in life. Its our job to obey and serve, blah blah blah. That is such CRAP!!! He is just as culpable as she is in this ordeal. This was a joint effort. Sorry boys, time for you to pay the piper. You have a few millennia of slavery and douche-baggary to make up for in my eyes. You clean. You cook. You have the babies while we just sit back and chill.
Tangent over. Back to the book. So, holy crap, they realized they were naked. So, first, this means God made humans naked, and there was no shame in it. It was the humans themselves which has put the restriction of clothing on themselves. Originally the human form was on display, no shame involved. Both lady parts and dangly bits alike. I find that incredibly interesting because it is humans who first put clothing restrictions on themselves. Secondly, and I feel like I have said this a few times, but I am going to say it again: THE NAKED FORM WAS NOT CONSIDERED SHAMEFUL. Why should it be? It was made in God’s image, right? Why should we ever be ashamed of our bodies? We made ourselves ashamed. We did that to ourselves. We should stop. I think I will take my clothes off now.

There. Much better. I feel closer to God already.

So man and woman sewed fig leaves together and let themselves be ashamed of their bodies. God comes strolling into Garden, and is looking for the couple, who were hiding in the bushes. God heard them in the bushes and asked after them, and then, like the little brat that he is, man told him he was in the bushes, and that he had eaten fruit from the tree. Of course, blamed the whole thing on woman, who just stood there with her mouth hanging open as man ratted her out, and blamed the whole thing on her. It seriously sounded like a 2 year old tattling on a sibling. “The woman you put here with me” (not his wife, but that woman) “she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.” (insinuated: because she made me). The woman at least took the high road, yet still deflected blame. “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” I can almost see the dismissive teenaged shrug. Maybe they were teenagers?
God, being the parent that he is, grounds his kids. First, he punishes the slick serpent by making it crawl on its belly and eat dust. Maybe thats why the basilisk died out. I hear they can’t get enough nutrients from dust. They are carnivores. Then he makes man, woman and serpents enemies. As for the woman, he makes woman have childbearing and labor pain. Then he makes her the slave of the man. “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Actually, if we take that in its own, and apply it only to the marriage bed, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. I have never cheated on a mate. I never will. When I am with the man that I have chosen, I am only with him. I have been cheated on, which abruptly ends that relationship, but I have never been at fault for cheating. As for desire, yes. I desire my man constantly. He is on my mind morning, noon and night, and in the bedroom I do want him to rule over me as long as he has permission. So, because there is no context to that statement, I am going to say, that, yes, the curse is alive and kicking in me. I want a man in my life. When I have a man in my life, I do what I can to make him happy, but only so far as it is mutually beneficial and agreeable. I am not about to be a slave to anyone. His happiness should come from inside himself, not solely from me.
Then comes man’s punishment. First, God names him Adam. Then God tells him that he will have to work to eat. He has to work the fields. Which might produce thorns from time to time. Oh, then he tells both man and woman that they will age and die. Think of the overpopulation if this was not the case!
Adam looks at his wife, because now she is his wife again instead of “that woman you put here with me ,” and names her Eve, mother of all the living. (I seriously hope not the rhinos, cuz that would be some labor pain) Then God gave them skin clothes (um, did God kill the animals, or what even kind of skin?! How does this work exactly?) and starts talking to himself again. So because man now knows the difference between good and evil, he decides to banish them from the Garden of Eden where the Tree of Life is so they won’t be able to live forever. To make sure they wouldn’t try to sneak back in, God protected the garden with a cherubim, which is some angel. I looked it up, and it is an angel which looks like the sphinx with wings. Oh, and he gave the cherubim a flaming sword, which flashes back and forth protecting the path to the tree. Because a giant woman headed lion with wings isn’t quite scary enough.

So, Adam and Eve succumb to peer pressure, and eat some fruit. They gain all sorts of knowledge, like the fact they are naked and what is good and evil, and get caught by God who punishes them. Woman gets the short end of the stick and gets labor pain and slavery to her husband, and man gets a name and has to be a farmer. Because man ratted out woman like a little kid. He is such a joke. I would guess that Eve has been harboring a little resentment for Adam since. Adam was a punk. That is not to say that ALL men are punks, just that one.

It’s all humanity’s damn fault.  Don’t we feel guilty?  God had this great little garden for us and we went and fucked up because we were curious.  But who doesn’t want that knowledge?  The idea that man should be separated from knowledge has always seemed insidious and pretty unappealing.  But it sounds like it’s more like hubris than plain old knowledge that God wanted humans to avoid.  But what’s the point of making us in his own image if his creation is just going to be a bunch of loser mortals?  Was God just lonely, and in need of some pals?  I guess He did make the Earth and such before making people.  Maybe He should have just concentrated on his career and remained child-free.   Gardening is fun.  To prove my point, I’m going to include a picture of my cute little succulent garden: 



BAM.  That’s some solid rhetoric right there.  And boy is it trendy now on Pinterest.  

Sorry, I can’t help it… I gotta say it… God didn’t make a mistake creating the serpent. God is perfect, mistake free. He’s just awesome enough to create us with freewill. That serpent was possessed by the spirit of the evil one. Whom, also was created with freewill. Whom God lets wander the world to act and deceive freely, just like us, if we decide to do so. You are right Pragmatist, it really is all our fault. God did create an awesome amazing place for us, with one stinkin’ simple rule, and we couldn’t even obey it. The way the world is now, is a direct result of all the consequences of our actions since the beginning. Everything literally is OUR fault.

The amazing side to that depressing realization though…. Is that even though we have been sinning against God since the beginning of our creation, He still forgives us every, single, time, that we pray for forgiveness and repent. He’s pretty awesome like that.

Thank you Lord for your perfect never ending love… Your compassion for us… Your grace and mercy… The least I can do to try and repay you for everything you do for me is try my best to be righteous in your eyes and give you glory in all things that I do.


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